New studies show toothpaste has deadly chemical that causes intense gaming addiction

It has also been found that the blue streak contains traces of cyanide, but who cares.

It has also been found that the blue streak contains traces of cyanide, but who cares.

Connor MacDougall, Staff Reporter

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Toothpaste, you use it everyday (or at least you should). But what you may not know is that recent studies done by scientists at Harvard University have found that several brands of toothpaste contain a deadly chemical that causes an inescapable urge to game.

The chemical, known as “simonide,” has been found in large quantities in the most popular toothpaste brands, including Colgate, Crest, and Arm & Hammer. It was revealed by the companies responsible that the chemical was recently used to provide the red streak found in most toothpastes, as it was found that it provided a much brighter red hue.

Regarding the effects of the chemical, studies have shown that simonide contains traces of the element ‘gameogen,” represented by the chemical symbol, “Ea,” an element only recently discovered by scientists in Washington D.C. The simonide triggers endorphins in your brain that gives out an uncontrollable urge to play video games.

Students at Auburn Riverside have reported having to leave class to go to the bathroom and play video games, reporting sweating and heavy breathing during class if they aren’t gaming. Some of the most popular games played include Fortnite, Roblox, and Words with Friends.

“I fully acknowledge that this is an issue that needs to be addressed,” Ian M. Cook, CEO of Colgate-Palmolive said in a press release last Saturday. “Although I cannot say that I am affected by the condition itself, but I recognize that millions of people are and my team is hard at work at taking our toothpastes off the shelves until we come up with a solution.” Cook’s claim that he wasn’t affected is refuted by several photos released by The New York Times that show him in a fetal position naked on a New York street playing Clash Royale on his phone.

Because of this phenomenon, it is advised that people avoid brushing their teeth altogether to stay away from the addiction. It may sound outlandish, but teeth are something you can eventually replace. Valuable time spent with your friends and family is not.

DISCLAIMER: ALL INFORMATION IN THIS ARTICLE IS FAKE. THIS IS A SATIRE ARTICLE.